When Love Behaves by Dr. Barbara Ellis
What an interesting concept…. One morning, I
happened to be listening to Dr. Laura. A woman called in with the dilemma of her husband going to some type of sport-a-thon
in which he was going to participate. The wife could not attend with him because they had 3 very young children and for whatever
the reasons she offered, she was not able to take the children. The husband made his arrangements late and could not join
in sharing accommodations with male peers. Instead it was his plan to go along with a female (single) whom he knew and
who would also be participating in the event. They would be “sharing” a room for several days. The wife was not
happy about this plan. The husband stated that she should “trust” him. Should she? The issue of trust was
not that she should agree to this plan and bank on her husband being faithful. The issue was, how does love behave? Did the
husband’s plan show consideration and respect for his wife's feelings and their commitment to one another?
When love behaves, one partner does not act in any way that would cause the other partner needless worry, anxiety, discomfort,
(angst) knowingly and purposefully. The word trust does not mean “blind faith”. It comes from the experience of
each partner preserving the relationship and commitment to each other at all costs and never considering jeopardizing the
sanctity of that relationship. It means not placing oneself in situations, which could bait temptation and
transgression. The caller’s husband was taken to task, deservedly so. The wife should never have been put in the position
of having such a dilemma to contend with, to make the call or being told she should accept the plan and just “trust”
him. This is not how love behaves.
The concept of Dr. Laura’s phrase– “how
love behaves” is a very important one for all of us.
Battling for control and power - who is right and who is
wrong - is not how love behaves. I’ve thought about the place of sacrifice, forgiveness, selfishness, and selflessness?
How much do you give? How much should one expect back? How much do you overlook? How much do you forgive? What about boundaries?
How do you set them? How much do you share? How much do you keep to yourself? What about lies? Deceit? Sins of omission? Sins
of commission? What makes good relationships work? What makes them fall apart? What makes them endure until death do they
part? Needless to say, I’ve done a lot of thinking and am still sorting through the deluge of thoughts, insights, etc.
Infidelity runs rampant in our world. Cyberspace and the anonymity that accompanies it is a place where love decides not to
behave. In my personal and professional life I’ve heard many stories. The concept of “how love behaves”
is a very potent one.
Marriages which last in a successful way I would venture to say,
result when two people hold sacred above all else a total devotion to each other and their relationship. This devotion
requires courage – the courage to open oneself to another, the courage to risk being vulnerable and trusting that the
other will protect that vulnerability, courage to place your hopes and dreams in that one person, courage to persevere when
things get tough, courage to make a continuous self- examination to assess whether you are doing all that is possible to show
loving regard for the relationship, courage to acknowledge that maybe you have not, and the courage to make whatever changes
you need to make in order for love to behave. When love behaves, there is a total commitment, an ability to experience and
show compassion each for the other. There are no secrets, no lies, and no hidden agendas. There is no retribution, blame,
and devaluation of the other. There is no physical or emotional abuse. There is a willingness to talk, to work to find resolution
when there is conflict, to accommodate different needs and perceptions. One understands the greatness of the gift of being
given another’s heart, hopes and dreams and the equally great gift of being able to fill those hopes and dreams of
your partner.
There is a Zen saying, "cause no harm". When love behaves, there is no harm.
More thoughts Part 2
When
love behaves there is open communication. Both partners keep working and talking until there is resolution. Resolution doesn't
entail just giving in or brushing the issue under the rug. This leads to built-up resentments that surface and explode in
time. Resolution entails understanding where you are coming from and trying to help your partner to see where this is. Resolution
entails putting yourself in the other's shoes and trying to see the issue from the other's perspective. It is acknowledging
your partner's feelings. If there is a misunderstanding you clarify it. If you've reacted in a way that is out of
the usual, you reach inside yourself and you question "why did I react the way I did?" "What can I do to help
make things better?" You search for what it is you need from your partner and you ask them for it. You do not play guessing
games, tallying, search and destroy. You do not give the "silent treatment". If you aren't ready to talk you
let your partner know that. If you can't find an acceptable middle ground or compromise you let your partner know you
feel stuck. Always keep the lines of communication open. Resolution can and will come when you talk and when you are both
committed to making the relationship work.
When love behaves, you don't name call, devalue,
humiliate or put your partner down. You don't seek side taking from outside parties. You respect the privacy of your relationship.
If you seek advice from a friend or family member it is done with respect and with the message that this is an important relationship
and person.
When loves
behaves, you deal openly and fairly. Fairly does not mean, "getting even". Getting even will destroy
a relationship faster than most anything else. Fairly means dealing with your partner as you would wish to be dealt
with....Do unto others.......
