When Love Behaves by Dr. Barbara Ellis
What an interesting concept…. One morning, I
happened to be listening to Dr. Laura. A woman called in with the dilemma of her husband going to some type of sport-a-thon
in which he was going to participate. The wife could not attend with him because they had 3 very young children and for whatever
the reasons she offered, she was not able to take the children. The husband made his arrangements late and could not join
in sharing accommodations with male peers. Instead it was his plan to go along with a female colleague (single) he knew
and who would also be participating in the event. They would be “sharing” a room for several days. The wife was
not happy about this plan. The husband argued that she should “trust” him. Should she? The issue of trust
was not that she should agree to this plan and bank on her husband being faithful. The issue was, how does love behave? Did
the husband’s plan show consideration and respect for his wife's feelings and their commitment to one another?
When love behaves, one partner does not act in any way that would cause the other partner needless
worry, anxiety, discomfort, (angst) knowingly and purposefully. The word trust does not mean “blind faith”. It
comes from the experience of each partner preserving the relationship and commitment to each other at all costs and never
considering jeopardizing the sanctity of that relationship. It means not placing oneself in situations,
which could bait temptation and transgression. The caller’s husband was taken to task, deservedly so. The wife should
never have been put in the position of having such a dilemma to contend with, to make the call or being told she should accept
the plan and just “trust” him. This is not how love behaves.
The concept of Dr.
Laura’s phrase– “how love behaves” is a very important one for all of us.
Battling for control
and power - who is right and who is wrong - is not how love behaves. I’ve thought about the place of sacrifice,
forgiveness, selfishness, and selflessness? How much do you give? How much should one expect back? How much do you overlook?
How much do you forgive? What about boundaries? How do you set them? How much do you share? How much do you keep to
yourself? What about lies? Deceit? Sins of omission? Sins of commission? What makes good relationships work? What makes them
fall apart? What makes them endure until death do they part? Needless to say, I’ve done a lot of thinking and am still
sorting through the deluge of thoughts, insights, etc.
Infidelity runs rampant in our world. Cyberspace and the anonymity
that accompanies it is a place where love decides not to behave. In my personal and professional life I’ve heard many
stories. The concept of “how love behaves” is a very potent one.
Marriages
which last in a successful way I would venture to say, result when two people hold sacred above all else a total devotion
to each other and their relationship. This devotion requires courage – the courage to open oneself to another, the courage
to risk being vulnerable and trusting that the other will protect that vulnerability, courage to place your hopes and dreams
in that one person, courage to persevere when things get tough, courage to make a continuous self- examination to assess whether
you are doing all that is possible to show loving regard for the relationship, courage to acknowledge that maybe you have
not, and the courage to make whatever changes you need to make in order for love to behave. When love behaves, there is a
total commitment, an ability to experience and show compassion each for the other. There are no secrets, no lies, and no hidden
agendas. There is no retribution, blame, and devaluation of the other. There is no physical or emotional abuse. There is a
willingness to talk, to work to find resolution when there is conflict, to accommodate different needs and perceptions. One
understands the greatness of the gift of being given another’s heart, hopes, and dreams, and the equally great gift
of being able to fill those hopes and dreams of your partner.
There is a Zen saying, "cause no
harm". When love behaves, there is no harm.
More thoughts Part 2
When love behaves there is open communication. Both partners
keep working and talking until there is resolution. Resolution doesn't entail just giving in or brushing the issue under
the rug. This leads to built-up resentments that surface and explode in time. Resolution entails understanding where you are
coming from and trying to help your partner to see where this is. Resolution entails putting yourself in the other's shoes
and trying to see the issue from the other's perspective. It is acknowledging your partner's feelings. If there is
a misunderstanding you clarify it. If you've reacted in a way that is out of the usual, you reach inside yourself and
you question "why did I react the way I did?" "What can I do to help make things better?" You search for
what it is you need from your partner and you ask them for it. You do not play guessing games, tallying, search and destroy.
You do not give the "silent treatment". If you aren't ready to talk you let your partner know that. If you can't
find an acceptable middle ground or compromise you let your partner know you feel stuck. Always keep the lines of communication
open. Resolution can and will come when you talk and when you are both committed to making the relationship work.
When love behaves, you don't name call, devalue, humiliate or put your partner down. You don't seek side taking from
outside parties. You respect the privacy of your relationship. If you seek advice from a friend or family member it is done
with respect and with the message that this is an important relationship and person.
When loves behaves, you deal openly and fairly. Fairly does not mean, "getting
even". Getting even will destroy a relationship faster than most anything else. Fairly means dealing with
your partner as you would wish to be dealt with....Do unto others.......
